Like the ocean; everything in life has ebb and flow. As a person that has lived on the coast all of my life I have come to realize that like the spirit of the sea life will give and it will take away. This is what the wolf is counting on. The wolf has taken a lot from us. This is something we have known for awhile. For everyone with this disease your “things” may be different. But what we need to do collectively is think of a way to redefine our life and what is important with what we have left, or even a scarier question….what we have yet to obtain. I have looked hard at this since my first visit of the wolf. And just as he is not finished with me, I am not finished with life. I feel it is worth addressing. So instead of saying this is what I no longer have. It is certainly a positive direction to say…now what can I do. Here is the gift he has inadvertently given me:
This dance I have been doing with the wolf has lasted 5 years so far. Before it all came down I was a woman that worked a full time job ran my own school (seven days a week) I painted approximately 10 portraits a year as well as fulfill my obligations with galleries around the globe. I was a wife, raised a child and had taken in homeless children until they graduated from high school or college. My life was very busy…very full…and I felt I had it all. How silly of me to have been so presumptuous.
I was obviously a woman that was ambitious and always wanted to try new things and fill my dance card. What I didn’t understand was what was really important in life. Sure we all read about these importance’s…you may even be reading this right now with that half conscious thought. But until you are faced with a candle burning at both ends when every second is more important than the last you never understand the true meaning of life. Yes I was busy. Some may have even called me successful. But I wasn’t living. I only existed in a whirlwind of energy. Then the wolf stepped into my life and I found myself stopped dead in my tracks. At first I was forced to just sit “still”. Moving was painful so I really didn’t have a choice. When I was still I found that the things I thought made up my life were in fact just things. Later I found life itself held a beauty all its own, irrespective of what one was doing. Being “still” is a wonderful place to be. If you are comfortable being alone like I am it can be the playground in your mind where you went as a child. If you love yourself you always have a friend there. You also have to be brave to go to this place called “still” along with your friends it can also hold your nightmares past monsters and fears. What the wolf has given me is a moment to confront all this...to ask myself what makes me happy and to tackle the terrors in the closet. Interesting the fear was easy to spot…and with time deal with. But the happy part was more abstract. To first find out what makes me happy I had to first examine what was missing. This is not to be confused with what was lost to me, but more what I have never been able to obtain. Once I have this, to then feel my life is complete. After all until your life is complete how will you ever be at peace when it is time to go? This question was my gift from the wolf. These queries are different for everyone. I could tell you mine…but it wouldn’t be yours and therefore really wouldn’t matter. At first it is difficult to just sit and think of these things. You have to admit your weaknesses to yourself. You have to look at all the things in your life that were pushed aside because you figured you would deal with them later. Well guess what? It’s later. The wolf has decided that fate for you. But in time if you give it up to the universe and keep your eyes open you will see your path and the direction to go. Every day we are given a second chance to make it right. To live our lives as someone who is alive. Put your hand over your heart. But instead of making a pledge; feel the life that beats inside you and live.