Saturday, July 23, 2011


What are the qualities of man that has the desire to take care of a woman with an illness? Certainly there are some men that find themselves in the position where their loved one comes down with this long after they met. But what about the man that falls in love with a woman who has lupus? The daily grind is medical expenses, endless supplies of pills, and doctor appointment. But there is one area of this illness that is in the forefront of every woman with lupus. It is a subject discussed among themselves behind closed chat doors. It is something they cannot avoid; they see it on a daily basis. It is the one thing and often the first thing the wolf has taken from them. And it is not a subject that can be easily understood with a Google search. It is time this subject be brought to the surface out of the chat rooms and into the living rooms. I am talking about their feeling of being desirable.
In the words of “Snow White”…”Someday my prince will come.” These are words little girls around the world have heard sung for a half century. Over the years talking to woman that I have known in my life that phrase to them was misleading. Life isn’t about being swept off your feet by some handsome stranger. I am sure some have found their “prince”. For everyone the definition is different as to what he looks like and how he acts. But all lupus ladies know…her particular “prince” must be someone very special.
As young girls we are learning who we are. Not yet fully grown we are developing into the women we will become. I believe all women are born with the power of beauty. What is beauty anyway? Is it a way one looks or perhaps acts? According to some studies made it is about the asymmetry of a face. It is even found in the animal kingdom that asymmetry is what will attract one mate to another. It is also in the esthetics of art throughout history that great works of art are defined through the balance of asymmetry. So how does this relate to the beautiful woman? As one gets older we as humans of a higher intelligence than animals realize that beauty is more than just looks. It is a way we carry ourselves…the accomplishments we have made and most importantly it is our heart. To develop into the woman that feels confident, loving, and fulfilled takes years. Some will even say they weren’t fully a woman till they became 40. When life seemed to make sense and the assertiveness of their confidence really takes hold. Unfortunately that is often the age the wolf will show his ugly teeth. When this happened to me I felt jipped. I thought, “Hold on…I have waited years to find this confidence. No one said you could change the rules! And in the process change me completely” But did he?
If media and children’s books have told us as woman, every day that beauty is a physical thing; how do men see it? Certainly there is always their “fantasy woman” We all know what that means and it is not in need of definition. But in reality…it is not reality. Eventually, like women, men come to realize this as well. But what about the lupus lady that has to deal with disfigurement and difficult changes in her appearance? She doesn’t want to be a beauty…she just wants to be accepted. For the woman with lupus without a mate how does she find that special man? She doesn’t…he finds her. He will look past her ailments and through her inadequacies of physical beauty and see her heart. And suddenly in his eyes she is the most beautiful woman he sees. He wants to be near her to feel her energy and love. To marvel at her strength everyday she goes into the battle. He cannot think of being with anyone but her. He will even sometimes wonder if he could be so strong. It is in this way in the lupus ladies world, beauty is redefined.
So how does she get to this point? It can only be obtained in one way…with confidence, and knowing that inside you are still the same person. The wolf can mess with the physical aspects of your heart but he can never take the love that you can have for yourself. Because to love someone else; you must first know it inside. When you walk into a social gathering, hold your head up high and smile. Extend yourself to be in the real world. You need to show people your heart first and they will never see the wolf marks. And that “prince” may actually be there.